Speaking of Discipline...

http://www.cardus.ca/comment/article/2778?fb_comment_id=fbc_5006172168241_682828_5006866779241

So...I have no idea if this will be a 'live' link or you may have to cut and paste it, but if you take the time to follow the link...you will be treated to some beauty-true-difficult words about discipline.  Thanks to Katherine Pershey for the link via facebook...which is a very interesting diversion...

"There is no such thing, we discovered, as disciplining one corner of a life. There are only disciplined or undisciplined lives." 

Well...doesn't that just kick my butt....because I'm always hoping I can be disciplined about X.  And apparently, I am not the only one who is unable to make that work...so, how to manage my squiggly line self and spin cycle brain into some at least marginally disciplined life??  There's a prayer...

Happens so quickly!

I must admit to a need to catch up on some "Ann" reading. We load our truck to move to Cape Cod tomorrow, Saturday. You'd think I would be so ready in so many areas of life. I must admit to a distracted form of existence lately. Somehow placing life in boxes AGAIN is not my forte. I have read Traci's blog a couple of times recently...DISCIPLINE... jumps right out at me. My spiritual life has retreated to a quiet corner and I have forgotten to look for the blessings each day. I just thought all would happen naturally. Some things do; most need a disciplined nature I had simply let go of. AND God is still faithful! Thank you, Traci.
A recent devotion spoke to me of the "Mary, Martha" conflict. In my efforts to maintain a spiritual life and practical life at the same time and not concentrating on either...nothing seemed successful. AND God is still faithful! How does this all happen so quickly? Just when you think you have it....I have come to the conclusion God allows these seasons so I will remain dependent on Him. He knows I have not gone far and I sure do need Him. It's a relief in a way. The return path means discipline and prayer and thanksgiving. I like being Mary and I like being Martha just not at the same time.:)
I do not like a life without Him or with Him in the shadows. I intend to take His lead. I pray for focus and vision and patience from a great God. AND still He is faithful. Amazing!!!
Love and blessings,
I see Nan left bread crumbs from the Cape back to Ohio...just follow the trail. I would love to have you!
Marylou

what in the world, in all this world, is grace?

(Italics = AV’s words)

First refreshing my thinking by listing the words that resonate in my heart from this chapter, 5.

“the gigantic secret of the Christian,” joy hiding in the gratitude…

Fully live!Live fully!

Joy is always worth the wait, and fully living is worth the believing

Dare to celebrate innumerable endless gifts!

Daily discipline is the door to full freedom (argh!  That explains a lot.)

Evil is that –a hole in the goodness of god.  And the last paragraph on p. 88 provides me much to ponder, but I love the last sentence. “Above  the clouds, light never stops shining.” 

Perspective – how we see.   TRUTH for sure!

Can you believe that I tenderly, tirelessly work all for the best good of the whole world – because My flame of love for ou can never, ever be quenched?

Without God’s Word as a lens, the world warps.  (indeed it does, and quickly!)

It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace.  And grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering overcomes that suffering. I need to breathe…So God transfigures all the world?

--mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty.

So,  the first week of this school  year is over.  My bone-tired body is proof of survival and reminder to be thankful.  Without the Eucahristeo “lens,” the week is easily world-warped into a blur of madness.  I think eucharisteo…and the lens of His Word…and there was beauty and grace and a reason to fall gently and joyfully into a discipline that the school year provides.  My challenge – not letting the school year take over my spiritual disciplines or my entire life.  Hold on to the joy and to the discipline…realize that the time spent with my loving Father/God will provide the strength I lacked this week…when my Bible was not opened and my thoughts were filled with ohmygoodness how will I ever do this?  With God’s lens…I know this is possible and this is my purpose.  I sat in church this morning and was incredibly thankful for  the solace of my church family and the beauty of His grace I left filled with.  

So, grace, I am learning and relearning, requires my acceptance.  Acceptance requires acknowledgement...and  while grace is ALWAYS there for us, for me, it might be through discipline  that I am most able to accept it and live in it...

Hard Eucharisto

God is always good and I am always loved. This should be my mantra every morning, the discipline to see the good through the bad, the perspective(p. 89-perspective-how we see). life brings through the ugly beauty. It's hard to wake up alone and think you are loved, even harder to remember at night when trying to fall asleep. Is this why I've had such difficulty sleeping this past year-because I've forgotten that I am loved? Satan 's tongue darting (p91) saying failure, worthless, cheated?
Maybe instead of reading "pleasure" books before falling asleep my sleep will be made pleasurable if I read His word, if I fall asleep counting my blessings- a song I sang to my kids when they were young, a song I sang to my nephew this summer when he had a bad dream, a song that goes on my list today-when you're worried and you can't sleep just count your blessings instead of sheep and you'll fall asleep counting your blessings.
Being transfigured is a process that requires discipline- take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into joy that fulfills empltiness-hard discipline (p.100) Hard Eucharisto but the hard brings the joy :)
Peace dear sisters.
Lisa

Just to See!!

Been away for a few days. No computer service...both bad and good! :) I spent some time catching up this morning...with me and Him. In Ann's writing she speaks of "chronic soul amnesia" pg 106. Wow, that is me so often. I know, I file it away, I say I will never forget, and still. On the other hand, I sense this is part of the beauty of being His. He does keep me close and close enough to bring back all He wants me to have and remember on the tip of my brain. Certain moments trigger a smile and I do not always feel so guilty now about forgetting His direction in some moments. The other day, my husband and I were waiting to hear if new health insurance was secured for us. I fussed all morning waiting to finalize. Then out of the blue I felt these hands on my shoulders saying..."ok, NOW give it to me." I ran and literally looked in the mirror at myself and chuckled. "Good one, God. I should have done that first, given it all to You...and I didn't...and now I am!" Problem resolved an hour later.
Sounds mundane and simple and is exactly all of that. For me a moment I won't forget. Yes, I am "chronic" and I am closer to Him and it's good to be His.
I started the day wanting to just SEE Him. I think I just did. Must be because "today...I am His favorite child." You are too, my dear sisters. Feel "favorite" today, "because you see, you are."
Missed you,
Watch for a blessing today! :)
Marylou

Time

So before I read chapter 4 I added to my slow going list of a thousand gifts (#'s23-29) and the first one was time to read and write and think and feel and play and be that summer gives to teachers, it is fleeing fast and I hope I've used it well. I hope I've been thank-full.

I am in a strange place with time-not just with the summer extra hours but without a family here like before. My head and heart have too much time and so I fill it up with the busy schedule(a life so full it can seem empty p63) the words she wrote about hurrying making us hurt and the hurt that drives us on really touched me-fleeing to escape the pain that pursues (p.67)looking ahead and fearing a life lived alone instead of being thank-full for all the lives and loves that fill my life each day. I am good at teaching this to my kids-esp Tess-be grateful for all you've seen and done and not what might get left unseen or undone-why is it so hard to teach myself?I need to preach it to the person who needs it the most-me (p73). The real problem really isn't too much time now or not enough in a few weeks that real problem is that failure to be thank-full for recognizing how much riduculous joy one moment can hold (p71). As I was writing this an image of Kallan as a baby standing naked in the rain came into my head-that free spirit of thankfull and the memories it brings are on my list today.
I want to be like Ann and be a hunter of beauty-its easy when I am outdoors running or hiking but harder to see indoors or in people but here's the beauty I saw today- a kind dental hygenist who went out of her way to make me feel comfy in a place where we all (and esp you Traci) feel awful but she did it-that's who I want to emulate today the person who makes others feel safe. She really exemplified the line wherever you are be all there (p.77). My prayer is to be all in!

See...that is JUST what I was talkin about....

I had missed Marylou's amazing 2 a.m. poetry which took my breath away just now...the beauty of the words and the memory of an ocean breeze (little pang of jealousy that I am not proud of, but can not deny)...wow.  Just wow. 


Can anyone see if we can make it so comments are viewed with posts??  And Marylou - you are HIS favorite child and I am thankful to be your sister! 

Question of format...

Ladies ~ I'm wondering if we might want to fore go the 'comments' and only use posts to avoid missing good thoughts in comments that I have on occasion missed?  Or perhaps I am the only one?  Or perhaps there is a way to make the comments show as they are written, but I have been unable to navigate that??  I'm going to make sure everyone can not only post, but also format in case someone who is more tech or blog savvy might be able to solve this...

Sanctuary of time

So, I'm still thinking, reading Chapter 4 ~ a Sanctuary of Time...Sanctuary is one of my favorite words...I almost instantly hear the song...Lord, prepare me...which I love.  Time...not always my friend.  I have been often remembering Life is not an emergency...That in Christ, the most urgent necessitates a slow and steady reverance...full attention slows the current. (bolded =  quoted from AV chapt.4) 

I've learned over time that it takes herculean effort for me to manage 'full attention' to anything...my mind is always on spin cycle.  Always.  Knowing this means that I can keep practicing being mindful - present in the moment...it is one of my daily prayers. Part of this is probably just genetics and is hard wired...and I've come to realize it is exacerbated by my trust issues...if I am moving fast and keeping ahead of things (HA!) then I might have some control - again HA!  

I have been reading Philippians 4 most days for nearly a year...I read somewhere that it is God's advice for mental health....and it certainly feels like that for me.  Hurry makes us hurt.  Again, truth.  I'm also thinking that avoiding hurry doesn't mean one must move slowly necessarily...just intentionally.  Choose not to react or rush...taking a deep breath is always a good thing.  Going to try to move to Chapt. 5 soon...savoring all.

I am an amateur!

My goodness, this is not light reading for sure. I find myself reading forward and then returning over and over to some most thought provoking words in prior chapters. I am beginning to see I need not "hurry" through this at all. These are such important words and surely express things I have been thinking about for some time.

"...hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur" (p66). Wow! Story of my life. Always something on my plate or someone scraping their stuff on to my plate! I did not think of this as reason for me to be considered amateur. The phrase gives clarity to my approach in many things.

I have been pondering this "amateur" life since I read the words. The truth for me is even though I fit the description and hurry to finish two or three things so I can do something else I have always appeared to have had enough time. The important things always seemed completed. God is good. He has given me a long rope. I lived alot by "lesson plan". My husband was continually amazed at my lists on the counter and that I was the only person he ever heard of who could schedule a migraine for every Friday morning. Ah...ha! The price for being more amateur than thought.

Through all of the amateur living I can remember some moments of "professionalism", so to speak...some moments when I GOT IT and I knew I GOT IT. Thank You God. Joy! I think through all of this productive rambling, I am happy to have this time as an amateur. I don't believe it has all been wasted. The few moments of greatness are worth it. All of the rest is part of my learning curve. My goal is to graduate. I would rather be God's student stumbling through to ace the final exam than never to have taken the course at all. It must be tragic to not know Him let alone not desire to sit at His knee and see His face. When I get to be with God eternally I know I won't be an amateur anymore. Got a ways to go. I'm on it!

Anyone make sense of this? If not, that's OK. ;)
Keep "studying" my dear friends,
Marylou

Contemplating Chapter 3

I love the Sarah Ban Breathnach quote that opens this chapter.  Splendid and brilliantly distilled truth:  Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.  The word choices are perfection.  

What I am carefully contemplating ~

!       Change takes real intentionality…and so, THE GIFT LIST     
!   Philippians 4 – I’ve been reading that almost daily for nearly a year.
!   Thanks is what multiples the joy

©     !  Because the picking up of a pen isn’t painful and ink can be cheap medicine.

©      !   To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it

©      ! …that the insulting ordinariness of this truly teaches the full mystery of the all most important, eucharisteo.

©    !   Crazy like this = perfect like this

©    !   OH.MY.Goodness…the big paragraph on p. 58…absolute truth and AMEN!!

I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks…Why would the world need more anger, more outrage?  How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us.  Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with suffering doesn’t rescue the suffering.  The converse does.  The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful…

     !  When I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me

 !       The only thing that can change us, the world, is this – all HIS love.

!        Lions would count as hard eucharisteo. 

Much of that is quoted from the book….and much of what I read and reread and reread fills me with a huge YES…that’s it!  I am so thankful that AV took the time and had the gift to let God use her to write this book. 

I never thought it was brave to focus on the good and beautiful.  In fact, I’ve occasionally been led to believe nearly the opposite.  As someone who has been accused of wearing rose colored glasses on more than one occasion…I like thinking that perhaps I’ve been brave all along.  And the paragraph on p. 58 so beautifully expresses what I believe to be true, but had not yet found words to express…it is why I practice looking for God in the daily-ness of my life.  I want to always find Him, His love and move toward that.  And yes, sometimes that is difficult, but I’ve never encountered real lions!  

The whir of the fans…the comfort of my porch…friends voices…smiling daughters…a clean and lavender scented Vanna ;)…joy!

Obviously....having difficulty formatting...and that weird little c thing was a heart when I cut and pasted it in??  drat.  Oh well, I reverted to the exclamation points...but it is getting weird...so read and please try not to be distracted by the lame formatting.  Happy Wednesday<><

About Disciple...

http://www.cokesbury.com/forms/DynamicContent.aspx?id=17&pageid=50

This is the link to info about Disciple Bible study...and I was (am) a bit of a junkie...done them all... (I think? ) some of them several times... grew my faith and my ability to trust ... enriched my life incredibly...made wonderful friends...learned and learned and learned into the mystery...that's the short version...
Disciple was one of those times when God spoke very clearly to me.  Here's the short version of one of those incidents...John, our pastor at the time, asked if I might be interested in leading Disciple...my first reaction, no thank you, but having just recently finished one of the studies I said...I can pray about that.  Still fearful...and having tiny Emma still nursing I took the out and said I really couldn't go to the training and leave Em and she was old enough to not be a quiet tiny bundle sleeping most of the time so...thanks for thinking of me - and John said...there's a training in Canton, you don't have to be gone over night.  And (like Marylou) I heard in my heart very clearly - "There.  Is that clear enough for you. Do this. "  And I did  and it was awesome.  Praises to our great God.

I think one of the things I love most about Disciple is that it is never about someone else's answers...it is about learning to be God's.  Blessed to be a blessing...

Chapter 3 - first flight

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!

It was a dare. Something to help get through the newness of her outlook on life, to get through, to change her outlook, a new day, a new creation - the List.

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world. Sarah Ban Breathmach

How many times during our lives have we been dared to do something? I took a dare to jump off a three meter diving board (10 feet), and once I did that, I took the dare to dive, then dive with two and three people at a time (by this time, my mom refused to come to the pool to watch swim shows because she thought for sure I'd be dead at the end).

Ann's dare to keep a list, then to write this book, is a challenge to us. While we live our lives, we have been learning more clearly through Scripture and encouraging books, to live more fully for God. This List of hers is for God, her thanksgiving, her joy, and her questions to herself about how to get there.

"How in the world, for the sake of my soul, do I learn to practically pick up eucharisteo...?"

"How in the world, for the sake of my joy, do I learn to use eucharisteo...?"

"To live at all, I needed to know." "If we thirst, we'll have to drink." pp.29 and 30

This chapter captured my heart. I loved watching the thought process flow. This was not because of merely a day or two that it took to change her. It took years, beginning with the death of her sister. Years. I know those years. I have lived those years. It took me nearly 15 years to finally listen to God and move as He needed me to. And when I did and He did - DANG!

Her quotation of Phil. 4:11-12, "I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little," made the challenge presented greater. It was the Double Dog Dare, right there, staring me in the face.

So, what am I going to do about it? So, what are we going to do about it? We are challenged to celebrate the joy that is Christ, to thank God for that Joy, to be in thanksgiving, love and joy constantly. We also are faced with every day challenges. How and what are we going to do about it?

Jesus told us quite simply, "Love your neighbor." THAT's what we're going to do about it. May our thanksgiving and joy be in others. May our thanksgiving and joy be only for God and that in God, we move. It's easy to just put a book down and walk away, Bible included. It's much more difficult to have that Book be in us and through us, but we really need to have It there. We really, really, really need to Love our Neighbor more.

One of the challenges that came from discussion this week on FaceBook, was to give a stranger - a stranger, mind you - a compliment. It was agreed, we could. So, did you? Did you take that step to be kind, one to another? Did you simply smile at someone you didn't know. Do you know that a simple smile can convey that thanksgiving and joy that is Christ? Really, it can.

So, take the double dog dare, smile at everybody, compliment a stranger, give great thanksgiving and joy to God for God and live, like you've never lived.

Your sister in Christ,
Nan

I thought that was a Catholic thing....

Eucharist.  I've always thought that was a Catholic thing and had something to do with the unwelcoming table Lisa mentioned.  I could write a lot about my experiences with that table, but it isn't kind, productive or anything good...so, 'nough said.  Back to the Eucharist idea and Ann's words...again love!  I was most happy to weave the word and the concept into my faith and am willing to concede that perhaps it is a shared thread: I'd like to think so.  

The words that I most connected to in this chapter are found on pages 34 and 36:  "Penetrating the mystery is like discovering galaxies; there is always more."  and  restated, "The mystery always contains more mysteries."  This is perhaps one of the things that holds my faith together sometimes.  There is always more and it is always bigger than I can fathom.  That became the reality of my faith after Disciple...until that happened...my faith was kind of containable, for lack a better word...during Disciple, I learned to embrace the mystery...and to understand that I am never going to really understand how big God's love is...AND I am going to keep seeking Him forever...
one a-ha leads to another and another....and I will find things I do not like or understand and that is ok...I believe Jesus is who He said he was and I am so thankful. 


I love how the words all fit together  - eucharisteo - Charis, Eucharisteo, Chara... - Grace, Thanksgiving and Joy...and I am loving reading this blog...Grace to all!

:)

Beauty Chapt. 2

What a beauty chapter and wonderful way of thinking about communion. My next to last experience with communion was a negative one-the catholic church where my mom's funeral was held making a clear pronouncement that only practicing Catholics were invited to God's table. Which meant I was not allowed to take communion at my own mom's funeral though I am very much a practicing christian. I had defied the priest's orders at my dad's funeral two decades before (its not like the priests can tell when we move forward, right?) but the bravery of my 30's has become trepidation in my 50's. So I watched as some pretty non-practicing Catholics went forward for the bread and wine. A week or so later I passed a catholic church in Tallmadge that had a sign out saying all are welcomed and I wondered if that meant to the table to? I hope so.
On giving thanks-I would grade myself B-, I do try and give thanks each day but its not always intentional and I think that's a mistake. So I am going to start a thankful journal that simply lists to God each day all my blessings. It begins with a thank-you to Traci for sharing the book with (at the time of my mom's death) and starting the blog and for all my fellow bloggettes willing to share the gifts.
On teaching-Marylou I teach the 4 year olds in 14 year old bodies. and think the same lesson are to be learned from them-do not forget them and what each of them brings to our tablebeing grateful for each opportunity
to show: Charis (Grace)
to Give :Eucharisteo (Thanksgiving)
to recieve and know: Chara (joy)
I get to. I get to live. (p27). How simple, how profound, how necessary to remember.
Peace,
Lisa

Communion

Good morning all,

Just continuing reading Ann's book. It is definitely a read, reread account. In chapter 2, the description of communion and giving thanks is just stunning. I think as a child and younger adult I received this gift in such a naive fashion, never truly understanding. Even now the "mystery" can sometimes be difficult to fathom. Ann's revelations are emensely helpful.

Something wonderful did happen this Easter time while teaching my preschoolers about Easter week. Acting out the account and role playing the "parts" gave such realism to my little students. They loved the week. I was concerned, as always, how to teach the events from the Bible. Each class is different, each year I am different. In fact, I have feared teaching this lesson many times feeling ill equipped. (or non-trusting) At the end of the week I asked some pointed questions of the group. We recounted the Last Supper story. One little boy just looked at me and with great ease and comfort related Jesus had supper with His friends. He gave them wine for His blood and bread for His body. And Jesus said "Don't forget me. I will see you again. Look for me. Every time you have supper together and eat bread and wine you will all think about me."

A true simplification from the heart of a 4 year old...but I had to turn away for a moment. When I looked at the boy again, he said,"Don't forget me." To this moment I am not sure who was speaking. But since that time every time I receive the gift communion I hear the words spoken in T.J.'s voice. That's when God said to me very clearly, "Do you understand now? This was all for you. Now you can finish as the teacher you always were called to be." I KID YOU NOT!!!

A huge miracle in my life and once again a child led me!! Sometimes I personally just need to simplify and go with it. My wonderful God always speaks.

Thanks for the time,
He is there and listening,
Marylou

Pondering Chapter 1

I think I’ll start by just listing the things that got the biggest heart or exclamation point in the margin ~

          !  p.16 ~ We don’t see the material world for what it is meant to be:  as the means to communion God.  *Which I kind of mind-meshed to my constant quest for the Love part/God part…when situations cause discomfort…or I’m at a loss (often)…I try to find the God/Love part and get to that place…step into that part.  Generally easier said than done, of course.

          ! p.20 ~ towards the bottom of that page when AV quotes her brother-in-law – “If it were up to me…I’d write this story differently.”  I can so relate to that feeling…I am trying (AGAIN) to accept that when I feel that way it is because I am (AGAIN) failing to trust God who is LOVE. That trust problem is always biting me. The conversation continues on the bottom of p21 and again my difficulties with trust are glaring…”accepting there are things we simply don’t understand. But He does.” And for that I am thankful and there are moments when I accept the mystery…those moments are always beauty and often fleeting.

          ! still bottom of p.21 “We can choose.”  I try try try to remind myself that I can always choose my part…and ultimately it comes down to Love or the bad stuff.  When I can distill the choice to that very basic one….it isn’t a difficult choice. 

          ! bottom of p.22 – just seeing the word gratitude is always a good reminder…count my blessings and in all things be thankful…

And for this opportunity, I am very thankful! 

Hello All,
I am excited to join this adventure with all of you. I suspect even though we all do not know each other, we most likely have much in common. Women at Christ's knee often do.

I am almost 65 years old. That alone frightens me as did 55 and did 45. Good grief, 15 was a nutty time. I am however seeing that, surprise of all surprises, with age does come wisdom from experience. I see myself standing on the edge of a wonderous divide looking back on some amazing things that can and were only from God! Even in my losses and disappointments when I "tantrumed" and fussed and whined, God NEVER let me go. He was clear that I could choose to walk away from Him, BUT He would never walk away from me. And He never has. And I ain't easy all of the time. I do not take "being kept by Him" lightly. I pray to be worthy of being His daughter and I thank Him for His patience.

On page 17 and 18 Ann speaks of "grace". I never truly understood what that was. Last year my husband and I were thrust into a situation that I thought required maturity. Instead, God placed us in a state of grace to endure life and loss and not destroy His work. I understood and grew tremendously. I also realize it was a choice to do so. We could only have survived the pain with His grace and with the support of each other. I hope I chose grace at other times in my life. Sometimes I think God makes sure we choose the right thing. I am not that "smaht"!

A good friend recently sent me this encouragement..."Live today like you are His most favorite daughter... because you are." I think of that often. I like being His!!

Blessings to all of you.
I choose His grace today,
Marylou Mansfield

from Lisa

I am excited and not just a little nervous because growing is hard, its so much easier to stall and stand still but that is not what God wants so who better to grow with than a group of like minded, God loving people.
Jesus you're all this heart is longing for, its so true as I sing it on Sunday mornings, it becomes my prayer, my mantra but as Voskamp points out on page 17 "the rest of the week, the days I live in the glaring harshness of an abrasive world? Complete loss of central vision. Everywhere, a world pocked with scarcity. I hunger for filling in a world that is starved."
My hunger is my loss, my kids are grown, my husband gone, my parents dead, my siblings estranged, no match for me on my own futile search and I can't fix it not any of it. As Voskamp says on page 16 "Losses do that. One life-loss can infect the whole of life. Like a rash tha wears through our days, our sight becomes peppered with black voids. Now everywhere we look, we only see all that isn't: holes, lack, deficiency."
So I heal my soul and remember the promise of Ephesians 3:20, 21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus thoughout all generations, for ever and ever" Amen
But still I try to fix me, its so hard to let go, to really let go and let God be in control but I will try again and again and again.

thoughts from Amanda

Okay this post is about p.124 because that is where I am. It isn't much of a spoiler so no worries. However, it is rather long, partly because I retyped two passages as reference! Here goes:

I have shared here two passages (one being from Voskamp's book) that will set the background for my post.

A passage from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers – July 12

“Reconciliation means the restoring of the relationship between the entire human race and God, putting it back to what God designed it to be. This is what Jesus Christ did in redemption. The church ceases to be spiritual when it becomes self-seeking, only interested in the development of its own organization. The reconciliation of the human race according to His plan means realizing Him not only in our lives individually, but also in our lives collectively. Jesus Christ sent apostles and teachers for this very purpose – that the corporate Person of Christ and His church, made up of many members, might be brought into being and made known. We are not here to develop a spiritual life of our own, or to enjoy a quiet spiritual retreat. We are here to have the full realization of Jesus Christ, for the purpose of building His body.

Am I building up the body of Christ, or am I only concerned about my own personal development? The essential thing is my personal relationship with Jesus Christ - “...that I may know Him...” (Philippians 3:10). To fulfill God's perfect design for me requires my total surrender – complete abandonment of myself to Him. Whenever I only want things for myself, the relationship is distorted. And I will suffer great humiliation once I come to acknowledge and understand that I have not really been concerned about realizing Jesus Christ Himself, but only concerned with knowing what He has done for me.

My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace,

Not even blessing, but Himself, my God.

Am I measuring my life by this standard or by something less?”

Read this and then jumped to One Thousand Gifts (p. 124) and found a connection:

“Straw comes in all shapes and the back of a camel can be weak and it's toast and surely there's something behind it that I should seek out but I don't even care. It's my own face that obscures the face of God. How can I help this son of mine see when I can't see? The parent must always self-parent first, self-preach before child-teach, because who can bring peace unless they've held their own peace? Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in the child – yet how do I admit that people made in the Image can make me blind to God, my own soul contorting, skewing all the faces? Why gouge out your own eyes when crusading for Beauty? Pain drives us to the mad acts.

I am mad. I'd like to will myself out of it but the blood is pounding loud in my ears and the sons slash at each other with the dagger eyes. Why? Can I just go back to the moon and the brazen glory? Wind and trees and sky wake me and I'm Peter on the mountaintop, stirring to see The Glory in all its God – radiance, stammering out that it's good to be here; let's build shelters and never depart (Luke 9:28-36). But there's always the descent from the mount. The meeting of the crowd, the complaining, the cursing. Obvious and immediate transfigurations exhilarate the faith, but the faithful can forget transfigurations, faces that once changed appearances. We betray Who we know. Didn't Peter?”

So I know this passage is chock full of ideas and different connections for each of us. For me it linked perfectly with the July 12 passage from My Utmost for His Highest and hit home with a long time struggle.

So by nature I am an introvert (at least that's my understanding of myself) and have always looked inward to try and figure myself out. Early in life I attempted to discover my passions and interests in order to choose a career. My earliest memory of career mindedness was 3^rd grade and I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. Then in 9^th grade it was a doctor who would find the cure for cancer. Junior year of college it was a Physical Therapist. Senior year it was, grudgingly, a teacher because that's what God said. Aside form this and up until recently I have had no definitive passions and always questioned what I like or don't like, what I should do or could do and what I want to do.

All of this is to say that I focus a lot on myself but I never saw it as selfishness because it was my journey with the Lord and figuring Him and, myself in relationship to Him, out. But Mr. Chambers provided an abrupt awaking which I'm not exactly sure how to move forward with. Mr. Chambers writes, “We are not here to develop a spiritual life of our own, or to enjoy a quiet spiritual retreat. We are here to have the full realization of Jesus Christ, for the purpose of building His body.” And I argue, “Why not?!” Who doesn't love those quiet moments in prayer or sitting alone taking in the great beauty of the Earth? Plus how am I to interact with anyone and spur them on in the faith if I don't have myself figured out? I think this is what Ann was thinking when she wrote, “Can I just go back to the moon and the brazen glory? Wind and trees and sky wake me and I'm Peter on the mountaintop, stirring to see The Glory in all its God – radiance, stammering out that it's good to be here; let's build shelters and never depart (Luke 9:28-36),” (Voskamp, p. 124). So how do we have our quiet time with the Lord but still work to edify the church body when we are mere sinners, helpless.

So it donned on me. We can't. We can't figure ourselves out in relation to God and we can't build up the body either. Not alone anyway. Only God can tell us and show us who we are in relation to Him. Only God can do His work of building the body and spreading the Gospel. We don't just think up our passions in life; they are gifts given to us and molded by God. I never wanted to be a teacher, it wasn't my idea to pursue this. But by trusting God and starting down a path with Him, he developed in me a passion for students and their well-being. God reveals our true selves to us. No matter how hard we peer into our own hearts and minds we will never fully know ourselves if we don't first know God.

To me this realization is freeing. I don't have to figure myself out and know where I'm going in life and have it all planned out. This is something God has been working on in me my whole life. He has been breaking through the ideas that one goes to high school does well and goes to college, all the while knowing exactly what to do in life. That's how I thought it worked. That's what everyone else seemed to be doing. But it's backwards thinking; it's putting the cart before the horse. We are the creation and the creation cannot know on it's own why it was created, only the Creator can reveal that.

So now that I know I don't have to figure myself out and I can stop stressing over whether I'm a good enough child of God and stop focusing on my own development, maybe now I can start really being of use to God. See the thing is we worry about ourselves and not necessarily in a bad way. We want to be our best for God. We want to get it right and perfect ourselves for Him. But simply we can't. Which is great because we'd screw it up anyway. So if we let go of ourselves and all our striving we can open up and allow God to use us for His Glory. We can then be used to edify the body of Christ and spread the Gospel to those who have yet to hear and understand it.

I don't know how the whole being used by God is going to look or how it works. But now I know not to worry so much and am one step closer to being used for His Glory. I have to get over myself. God takes care of us and works things out in each of us; He won't forget us. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't seek God or work on our character and strive to conquer our sins in the moment. What I'm saying is we don't have to spend hours looking inward because if we look up to God and into His word, He will show us our own hearts. We are incapable of understanding who we are because we are simply and beautifully the creation of a magnificent Creator.

Hi I am Amanda. I've known Traci since I was a kid. She was there at church while I was growing up. She was one person God used to help grow me up in His word and encourage me to pursue Him and stay faithful. And she still encourages me today even though I am currently about 2500 miles away on the West Coast. So I'm am extremely thankful for today's technology so that I can join you all in learning about our Lord and growing in our faith :) Who's excited?!?!

Ok I am signed in-yea, now to re-read chapter!

Without further procrastination..

I read one thousand gifts and instantly began rereading.  I rarely (very rarely) reread a book...I have never instantly started over.  I am always reading at least 3 books - not counting the Bible which I am always reading...so really, I am always reading at least 4 books.  I always have at least 1 list of books I want to read and books I intend to read next...this book however, grabbed me and said, "You must absorb this, practice this and learn to live it."  I have been listening to God when he speaks to me for quite a long time and I continuously work on my ability to "be still and know." All growth in this area is thanks to my close relationship with yarn and knitting needles.

I love Ann's writing:  it is deep and rich and reverberates in my heart and mind. Her phrases fall into the phrasing of my soul.  This book touched my heart in a profound way. I love books. I enjoy books; however, the  profound soul touching thing is not common.  The point being...this book is not ordinary.  It feels more powerful that I've found typical and I have been blessed.  I am anxious to study with other God seeking women.  

As I'm typing I'm wondering if we might want to introduce ourselves to each other somehow and give everyone a chance to read the first chapter while we get to know each other??  Thoughts....